On “In The Land Of Boredom.”
This entry was posted on 9/4/2007 5:15 PM and is filed under Pop Culture, So Damn Bad It's Great.
On “In The Land Of Boredom.” When I moved to DC five months ago, my sister and I went to a movie of her choosing, which was the new Meg Ryan-OC Dude flick, “In the Land of Women.” Now, while I don’t recommend actually paying full price for this flick (and good luck: “In The Land of Women” bounced quickly “Into The Land of Discount DVDs,”) it afforded me a joy rarely experienced in these days of digital home entertainment: the ability to see a “Gleefully Great Bad Movie,” on opening night, with a full audience in tow.
Mind you, this was Adam Brody’s big play for romantic leads and industry cred outside of Orange County. This was ALSO Meg Ryan’s return to film after a two-year break (and had this movie been a hit, it would have been nearly nine years since any movie of hers made a red cent.) So there was a lot of manufactured buzz in the trades, online and over at “Entertainment Tonight” regarding “In The Land of Women.”
With the tagline “get ready to fall,” one might think that this is a romance, or a Meg Ryan romantic comedy. Well, it’s funny, that’s for damn sure…but it’s not especially romantic, unless you consider a porn writer making out with a cancer-striken mom and her underage daughter particularly hot. If you do, this may be the sexless “Lolita” you’ve been waiting for, but for the rest of you, get ready to cue up the Tivo® and get ready to laugh.
We join the movie as Adam Brody is getting dumped by his insanely hot girlfriend. Now, in the first place, you kind of have to get by the fact that anyone so blazingly gorgeous would date kinda-dorky-kinda-fey Brody in the first place, but this movie posits that she’d date him even though she’s a famous actress and he’s a soft-core porn screenwriter living with his mother. Note to scripters everywhere: if you reside with your parents after the age of 18, you can't get a date unless you're hung like a horse. Even ugly chicks will diss your ass.
Anyway, Brody decides to go and ‘take a break’ by visiting his grandmother in Detroit, which is kind of sad, because we don’t get to experience JoBeth Williams as the mom anymore (oh JoBeth! Where for art thou since "Poltergeist?") Brody arrives and we meet Granny Olympia Dukakis. Dukakis gets to play ‘old loon’ in “In The Land of Women,” sporting a wig that makes her look like George Washington, and saying enough profanity to sign up for the foreign legion. He moves in with her, even though her place is an utter sty and she answers the door naked. Now before we can stop and wonder about how insane Granny is…or how insane Dukakis is for taking this role, or how shitty Williams and Brody are for never visiting her, thus letting Granny rot in her own shit…we meet the crew across the street, anchored by Ryan’s botched face.
Oh, Meg! Clearly a patient of the Michael Jackson wing of plastic surgery, most of the unintentional laughs in the movie come from staring at her waxen, deformed and mismatched visage. Don't believe me? Watch her speak dialogue. It doesn’t really matter what she’s saying: you’re transfixed by her lopsided trout-mouth chewing the air. Watch her cry without moving a single facial muscle…except for that insane mouth! The director uses the standard ‘aging actress’ tricks here: gauzy lighting, long shots in the sun or profiles in shadows…but hysterically, none of it works. Bozo-the-mutant-fish-face can’t be masked…and can’t be ignored. Better still, the live movie audience gasped (!) on her first entrance, and you could hear murmurs of ‘did you see her face?’ throughout the house. (Contrast this with Sharon Stone's 'work' in "Basic Instinct 2," where the camera pulls right up into her pores.) In fact, later that night on the streets of Georgetown, sis' and I had an impromptu conversation about 'the face' with two strangers who just saw this ghoulish gem of a movie. Let's call it 'word-of-trout-mouth.' And rename the movie "When Harry Met Tuna."
Now, at this point, we’re supposed to feel sorry for Meg, because she has cancer, her teenage daughter is a bitch, and her husband is cheating on her…but really? With that Muppet-tastic face, we’re really feeling sorry for ourselves, and the untold damage we're doing to our eyes. (while dreading 'the face' doused with pale make-up and a cancer skull-cap.) She strikes up a friendship with Brody, and they take these loooooooong, boring walks through suburbia together, where they talk...about...nothing. For example, he claims he’s a great listener, she says he’s not, and he doesn’t hear her! Oh, the humor.
Thankfully, their bonding over walking only takes up like seventeen hours of this movie, so we can cut to endless shots of Brody running. Yes, Adrian Brody, quite possibly the least athletic actor to ever…ever be granted a movie contract, jogs like nobody you’ve ever…ever seen jog. (And the gym shorts reveal that Brody is, in fact, hung like a macaroni.) Aside from Brody weighing all of 72 pounds, including clothing, the director clearly instructed him to ‘jog funny.’ Or maybe Brody just jogs like someone on speed and fire at the same time…with a little Mae West wiggle. Like Ryan’s face, Brody’s marathons got tons of guffaws in the theatre. You've never seen anything like it, rest assured...outside of the Special Olympics.
Most of this doesn’t sound particularly interesting in prose, and…in truth, it wasn’t that interesting in the theatre, beyond giggling over ‘chicken run’ and ‘Clayface,’ which are really more than enough to carry “In the Land of Women” to the scene that must be experienced to be believed. Ryan, with her Pez-dispenser jaws and novelty shop lips, and Brody, with his ‘Linus-as-bulimic’ body, make out with each other in the rain.
Yup.
Face and Fey.
Soaking wet.
French kissing.
The audience reaction was a collective ‘Arggh’ and shudder. Like seeing somebody dismembered in a horror film. People were averting their eyes. Or staring forward in shock…disbelief. You could smell the bile rising. Six people got up and left right then and there.
It was fucking awesome.
Don’t worry, just when you think it can’t get anymore bizarre, Ryan breaks off their tryst (thank God, before Face and Fey have a sex scene,) but encourages her daughters to hang out with him…because that’s not creepy or anything. Remember, Brody is playing a soft-core porn writer, and now he's taking two girls to the mall for some shopping and a little somethin’- somethin’! Or to high school parties, since there’s really nothing cooler than being 25 and chillin’ with the just-licensed. Seriously…who thought this shit up? (Answer: his name is Jon Kasdan, son of Lawrence Kasdan, actual writer-director as opposed to poser, and proof that nepotism still trumps talent in Hollywood.)
Brody also makes out with the teenage daughter (thankfully having the sense not to diddle the ten-year old,) which makes Ryan...jealous? Angry? Sickened? Disturbed? Wondering just how to play this utterly impossible scene and reattach her lower lip? Stay tuned for Brody’s punch to the face (featuring a slapstick ‘spin-around’ not seen since the Stooges,) or Brody’s toking up with the teenage daughter…or Brody finding the inspiration to write…you guessed it! This very same movie.
Stick to porn, dude.
Mind you, this was Adam Brody’s big play for romantic leads and industry cred outside of Orange County. This was ALSO Meg Ryan’s return to film after a two-year break (and had this movie been a hit, it would have been nearly nine years since any movie of hers made a red cent.) So there was a lot of manufactured buzz in the trades, online and over at “Entertainment Tonight” regarding “In The Land of Women.”
With the tagline “get ready to fall,” one might think that this is a romance, or a Meg Ryan romantic comedy. Well, it’s funny, that’s for damn sure…but it’s not especially romantic, unless you consider a porn writer making out with a cancer-striken mom and her underage daughter particularly hot. If you do, this may be the sexless “Lolita” you’ve been waiting for, but for the rest of you, get ready to cue up the Tivo® and get ready to laugh.
We join the movie as Adam Brody is getting dumped by his insanely hot girlfriend. Now, in the first place, you kind of have to get by the fact that anyone so blazingly gorgeous would date kinda-dorky-kinda-fey Brody in the first place, but this movie posits that she’d date him even though she’s a famous actress and he’s a soft-core porn screenwriter living with his mother. Note to scripters everywhere: if you reside with your parents after the age of 18, you can't get a date unless you're hung like a horse. Even ugly chicks will diss your ass.
Anyway, Brody decides to go and ‘take a break’ by visiting his grandmother in Detroit, which is kind of sad, because we don’t get to experience JoBeth Williams as the mom anymore (oh JoBeth! Where for art thou since "Poltergeist?") Brody arrives and we meet Granny Olympia Dukakis. Dukakis gets to play ‘old loon’ in “In The Land of Women,” sporting a wig that makes her look like George Washington, and saying enough profanity to sign up for the foreign legion. He moves in with her, even though her place is an utter sty and she answers the door naked. Now before we can stop and wonder about how insane Granny is…or how insane Dukakis is for taking this role, or how shitty Williams and Brody are for never visiting her, thus letting Granny rot in her own shit…we meet the crew across the street, anchored by Ryan’s botched face.
Oh, Meg! Clearly a patient of the Michael Jackson wing of plastic surgery, most of the unintentional laughs in the movie come from staring at her waxen, deformed and mismatched visage. Don't believe me? Watch her speak dialogue. It doesn’t really matter what she’s saying: you’re transfixed by her lopsided trout-mouth chewing the air. Watch her cry without moving a single facial muscle…except for that insane mouth! The director uses the standard ‘aging actress’ tricks here: gauzy lighting, long shots in the sun or profiles in shadows…but hysterically, none of it works. Bozo-the-mutant-fish-face can’t be masked…and can’t be ignored. Better still, the live movie audience gasped (!) on her first entrance, and you could hear murmurs of ‘did you see her face?’ throughout the house. (Contrast this with Sharon Stone's 'work' in "Basic Instinct 2," where the camera pulls right up into her pores.) In fact, later that night on the streets of Georgetown, sis' and I had an impromptu conversation about 'the face' with two strangers who just saw this ghoulish gem of a movie. Let's call it 'word-of-trout-mouth.' And rename the movie "When Harry Met Tuna."
Now, at this point, we’re supposed to feel sorry for Meg, because she has cancer, her teenage daughter is a bitch, and her husband is cheating on her…but really? With that Muppet-tastic face, we’re really feeling sorry for ourselves, and the untold damage we're doing to our eyes. (while dreading 'the face' doused with pale make-up and a cancer skull-cap.) She strikes up a friendship with Brody, and they take these loooooooong, boring walks through suburbia together, where they talk...about...nothing. For example, he claims he’s a great listener, she says he’s not, and he doesn’t hear her! Oh, the humor.
Thankfully, their bonding over walking only takes up like seventeen hours of this movie, so we can cut to endless shots of Brody running. Yes, Adrian Brody, quite possibly the least athletic actor to ever…ever be granted a movie contract, jogs like nobody you’ve ever…ever seen jog. (And the gym shorts reveal that Brody is, in fact, hung like a macaroni.) Aside from Brody weighing all of 72 pounds, including clothing, the director clearly instructed him to ‘jog funny.’ Or maybe Brody just jogs like someone on speed and fire at the same time…with a little Mae West wiggle. Like Ryan’s face, Brody’s marathons got tons of guffaws in the theatre. You've never seen anything like it, rest assured...outside of the Special Olympics.
Most of this doesn’t sound particularly interesting in prose, and…in truth, it wasn’t that interesting in the theatre, beyond giggling over ‘chicken run’ and ‘Clayface,’ which are really more than enough to carry “In the Land of Women” to the scene that must be experienced to be believed. Ryan, with her Pez-dispenser jaws and novelty shop lips, and Brody, with his ‘Linus-as-bulimic’ body, make out with each other in the rain.
Yup.
Face and Fey.
Soaking wet.
French kissing.
The audience reaction was a collective ‘Arggh’ and shudder. Like seeing somebody dismembered in a horror film. People were averting their eyes. Or staring forward in shock…disbelief. You could smell the bile rising. Six people got up and left right then and there.
It was fucking awesome.
Don’t worry, just when you think it can’t get anymore bizarre, Ryan breaks off their tryst (thank God, before Face and Fey have a sex scene,) but encourages her daughters to hang out with him…because that’s not creepy or anything. Remember, Brody is playing a soft-core porn writer, and now he's taking two girls to the mall for some shopping and a little somethin’- somethin’! Or to high school parties, since there’s really nothing cooler than being 25 and chillin’ with the just-licensed. Seriously…who thought this shit up? (Answer: his name is Jon Kasdan, son of Lawrence Kasdan, actual writer-director as opposed to poser, and proof that nepotism still trumps talent in Hollywood.)
Brody also makes out with the teenage daughter (thankfully having the sense not to diddle the ten-year old,) which makes Ryan...jealous? Angry? Sickened? Disturbed? Wondering just how to play this utterly impossible scene and reattach her lower lip? Stay tuned for Brody’s punch to the face (featuring a slapstick ‘spin-around’ not seen since the Stooges,) or Brody’s toking up with the teenage daughter…or Brody finding the inspiration to write…you guessed it! This very same movie.
Stick to porn, dude.
Comments
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9/5/2007 10:17 AM
Matt wrote:
You have just convinced me thoroughly not to waste anytime on this movie even 1 hour out of the 100 hours I get from my DVR.
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9/5/2007 11:14 AM
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Oh, you should! This is one funny ass flick!
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