OK, I've been writing some 'deep thought' blogs recently, but I've also been on a "Charmed" repeat kick. TNT's morning repeat schedule reset back to Season One, and I couldn't resist the Power of Three. Why?

It's simple: "Charmed" is So Damn Bad It's Great. although that recommendation comes with the caveat that it is the first three seasons (the Shannen Doherty years) that really stick out, and the rest are just bad. Nearly every television show follows a curve: ramp-up to whatever it's going to be, the peak performance, followed by a rapid decline. If you don't believe me, tune into the last season of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," or better yet, don't.  For the sake of truth in blog-land, I have to confess: I love Shannen Doherty. It's odd, as I don't really have a starfucker crush on anybody worthwhile, and yet...I totally give props to ShanDo anyday of the damn week.

The common wisdom is that Shannen's departure from "Charmed" effectively ended the 'good' seasons of that show (which insanely went on for another five unwatchable years.) What's funny about this assumption is that "Charmed" was never good...but it was so damn bad that it crossed the line into great. It's like the "Mommie Dearest" of supernatural television series, or the deep-as-a-kiddie-pool variant of female-bonding shows like "Gilmore Girls." And while Shannen certainly helped the show...there's plenty of bad to go around here...and why I highly recommend catching the first three seasons in repeats. Here's why:

In the first place, "Charmed" mixes genres like nobody business...and no, I'm not talking about "fantasy" with "family" here. While "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was folding horror, comedy and serialized mythology into a new, exciting mix..."Charmed" combined nine-year old Disney Channel-style plots with tits and ass. It's almost as if somebody wanted to see Kim Catrall's version of "Kim Possible." And for that reason, it's hysterical.

This is not a joke. I am not kidding. On any given week, the sisters will deal with genies (!) or gnomes (!!) or even the damn Ice Cream Man (!!!) while letting their breasts go entirely free. I now know pretty much how Holly Marie Combs, Shannen Doherty and Alyssa Milano look topless, because those frocks were pretty tight and see-through and that studio was cooooold. It's the Britney Spears sales pitch as applied to television: get the 'girl power' vote and get the 'boys-wanking-off-vote' and you're good to go!

Plus, "Charmed" takes the project of setting back feminism into new, brilliant territory. Frequently, one of the sisters will bark out a good idea, like "we don't need men to save us from the demons of the world," and yet all three of them fret over not being able to find a damn man for themselves! In hooker clothing. Mind you, this isn't an intriguing case like Madonna or Martha Stewart, using the stereotypes of whore and homemaker, respectively to escape the traditional ties that bind. This is "Charmed," where dressing like a slut, being a freak in bed and seeking out Prince Charming in a world of frogs is empowering. Welcome to the wonderful world of Aaron Spelling, devil twist his soul.

But...you're not going anywhere in TV today unless you get the gays. Kathy Griffin knows this (heck, all of Bravo TV knows this.) On other series, they'd introduced a homosexual character or plotline...remember Jack-as-gay-captain of the Dawson's Creek football team? Not "Charmed." All these characters are white, straight and drug-free. In San Francisco, no less. Not a gay man or woman to be found...and actually...precious few minorities as well. ("Charmed" looks at the vibrant Asian culture of San Francisco like its this special, removed enclave where the sisters go and buy magical ingredients and talk to people dressed in snazzy, ethnic pajamas.) Back to the point: how do you hook the gays into the Master Race version of the City by the Bay?

Well, for the lovely lesbians its obvious: the three leads are smoking hot and are basically wearing the Jenna Jamison line of modern streetwalker couture...and what a shit-tastic assembly of cloth, leather and feathers their clothing IS! A fashion disaster every week. That's how they got the gay men to watch (beyond the WB's stable of gorgeous, shirtless men, of course.) It's like a drag queen parade of 'style' every damn episode on Charmed! Special props to Milano here, who was asked repeatedly to wear the most ridiculous crap. From daisy dukes with high socks to tops strategically shredded for boobie effect, Milano really got the short end of the stick here. Not that the other women faired any better...but somebody in wardrobe clearly hated Alyssa, as she was nearly always dressed in some 'Xanadu-meets-farm girl' nonsense. The costumers also manage to make Holly Marie Combs look fat in utterly dowdy 'Lerner' wear (she probably weighs 100 pounds, if that.) And they dress Shannen in the most utterly insane 'professional' clothing since Amanda Woodward roared into "Melrose Place."

The series is also notable for utterly horrid acting, simultaneously paired to very good acting. Here's what I mean: Holly Marie Combs performs the living hell out of her role as 'Piper,' bringing realism, comedy and truth to a role that should have none of the above. So, of course they pair her off with Brian Krause, quite possibly the worst himbo to hit television since Joey from Blossom. Nearly every villian on this show shreds the scenery with their performance, acting for the last row in a dinner theatre production. (Let's just say there's over the top and then there are the guest baddies on "Charmed.")

Alyssa Milano employs a Looney Tunes 'acting ability' which works wonders on this show. When Milano has to convey 'surprise,' she pulls this Culkin-a-la-"Home Alone" face out, always good for unintended laughs. Milano is also a fan of hooting to convey danger, and using a baby voice to imply love and affection (there's nothing more empowering than a 30-year old woman talking in baby talk, eh?)

And Shannen? She's the best of the bad here! Why? For starters, Shannen can really act, but periodically Shannen just doesn't feel like acting (or at least, acting on "Charmed,") and so she phones in this quite witty, knowing meta-performance. Instead of playing 'Prue,' she's playing 'Shannen stuck with these idiots, on a Spelling set, saying this stupid-ass lines.' In lieu of being her character, she invites us, the audience, into Shannen's subtext. "Why am I here?" "I used to be in Heathers and now I'm in this." What makes this great is the contrast from one show to the next: when Shannen's on, her and Holly have a field day, elevating "Charmed" much more than it deserves. And when she's off, it's really awesome as well...the star of the show twirling her inner diva to conscious, brilliant effect.

One scene from a random episode perfectly illustrates this: a baddy breaks into the house.
Milano mugs like Bugs hearing 'Kill the Wabbit.' 
Combs reacts and realistically 'gets ready' for the bad SFX to come.
Doherty...without even pretending to give a rat's ass, gets up...and this is so fucking awesome, picks at her hair and rolls her eyes. 

OK...so I've given you the basics...let me call out some episode highlights to demonstrate the bad genius of "Charmed."

"SOMETHING WICCA THIS WAY COMES"
The three sisters get their powers 'activated' after the death of their beloved Grams. This is actually fun in the 'how in the hell did they get from here to there way.' The sisters are dressed normally, seem to all have intelligence, and the show appeared to be going forward to a more dramatic, more realistic interpretation of the fantasy show. Any yet...

"MORALITY BITES"
This episode features time-travel, which involves putting Shannen Doherty in a long, blonde reverse-Elvira wig and a hooker dress (because, duh! That's what all successful art dealers wear, silly) and a future witch-hunt that Alyssa sets off by zapping some guy. 'Morality Bites' demonstrates just how much the producers of this show hated their characters. Milano gets burnt at the stake, Doherty is fully embarassed via the costume department, and Combs wears polyester while struggling with some very weird 1950s hair. The entire morality play begins when The Charmed Ones decide to use their powers to fling pet feces at people walking by their manor. I'm not kidding: this entire 'fable' is built on the idea that the sisters can't use their magic to toss shit at people for their own fun. Yeah, "Buffy" wouldn't have never ventured here, for good reason. (Mind you, this is one of the 'best' episodes of the series.) 

"BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WITCH FOR"
Shannen Doherty directed this episode, where her character decides to wait for the right guy "and not settle for...Dick." (She's dating a tool named 'Richard,' and the line, used repeatedly in this ep, perfectly demonstrates the nine-year-old-meets-slut mentality of the entire series.) For fans of 90210, Shannen also reverts back to bangs as a seventeen-year-old...and says 'pretty bitchin'' in the most perfect off-the-cuff way.  Alyssa flies and Holly Marie tosses her hair around a lot...while French Stewart plays the genie in an outfit perfect for a children's birthday party.

"PARDON MY PAST"
Alyssa was a bad, bad witch in the 1920s...where she encounters past life versions of Shannen and Holly in bad, bad wigs. Props to production here, because we can see the seam on Shannen's wig throughout. Since none of them attempt to speak in 20s accents, this entire episode is a hoot. Added credit to Milano for choosing to make the 'SPEAK LOUD' to old people 'acting' choice.

"ALL HALLIWELL'S EVE"
The sisters are transported into the past (again,) where they are to save their ancestor from the powers of an evil witch working with Phoebe's current boyfriend (also a demon...and yeah, it helps to 'not ask' where this show is concerned.) This show is notable for Shannen-as-Prue getting all hot and bother over some guy  right after a near hanging, Phoebe not recognizing her boyfriend under a really bad wig and a mask ('cause she's just that dumb,) and Piper delivering her great-great-great...oh, never mind. Any show where afterbirth, apples thrown in a circle and a broomstick play major point in the plot can't be wrong. Just watch this one. Bonus points for the boys left in the present, who have much more chemistry with each other than they did with the Charmed Ones. Who says there are no gays in San Fran?

"SIN FRANCISCO"
Hey...what happens when you take the movie "Seven" and make it a comedy? This utter gem of bad, bad, bad television. Some demon dude tosses 'Sin Balls' into victims, including our sisters three. Shannen gets 'pride,' Alyssa gets 'lust' and Holly gets 'glutton.' Props go to the three actresses here, as they really shine in this wacky-tobacceey episode. In fact, if this series were billed as a comedy, this one would have won awards, it's so damn funny. 'Charmed,' which already plays as a parody of supernatural television, effectively satires itself, offering a critique from 'Charmed' to 'Charmed.'

"ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE."
Shannen directs her last episode, in what is probably the most 'Buffy' of the series. I recommend this one, just because it shows how 'Charmed' could have been, if they took it seriously, instead of the fun dreck it became. Brian Krause brings the laughs here, as he can't act for shit, and he has to CRY! It's pretty funny, but the rest of the show is pretty damn bleak, fast and well-done. Shannen and Holly really turn in great performances all around here. And wait until you get a load of the villian here: Shax. Bloated and blue, sporting Fabio hair and a bizarre neck-bend.  

I'm sure there are others here, but I'm just giving you a sampling of the great badness that is 'Charmed.' Tune in for yourself and discover the rest. You have plenty of opportunity...this insanely large piece of crap was on the air for eight seasons! That's longer than the standard bearer, 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer!' In any case, enjoy 'Charmed,' but enter at your own risk. It's a weirdly compelling, yet weirdly bad show that draws you into its world. You'll find yourself wondering, "Why am I still watching this?" Repeatedly.