On "That Fudge-packing Dumbledore, And Why That's Not Really News."
This entry was posted on 10/23/2007 9:30 AM and is filed under Pop Culture, Politics, Humor, Global.
So the big 'news' story of the week is that some elf or gnome in the Harry Potter series of books is gay. Of course, the conservatives are up in arms, the liberals are thrilled and the literatti is jaded, removed and apathetic (sign me up with them!) What's astonishing is the level of reaction here...Dumbledore, as far as I know, wasn't the main character of the never-ending borefest of books: it's not like Harry Potter is gay, for example. What I do know for certain is that Dumbledore isn't real. So if he's gay or if he's just a platonic friend of fat girls everywhere is a moot point. He's not real.
I write this knowing full well that a certain segment of the population will hunt me down and water-torture me into religious bliss. "Harry Potter IS real!" These are the same folks that look for "Vulcan" in the night sky, wondering when Kirk, Buffy and Yoda will rescue this sorry world from itself. "Where is our Chosen One?" But Harry aint' real, and Dumbledore ain't real...and any literary impact he may have made as a gay character didn't happen, because he stayed in the closet with his wand until the very end...
...and that's why this news kind of sucks. Had Dumbledore been outed earlier, I would have given this at least 1-star in the 'news' category. Generations of children and immature adults would have realized that a beloved friend of Potter was purple with passion. Perhaps there would have been a benefit to that...perhaps people who used the books as an escape from their conservative realities could have begun to question their beliefs, and the humanity of people who just happen to be gay...just like the 'Doro-sexual. This seems too little, too late...like Rowling is trying to impress GLAAD after the fact.
So it's not really news at all. Somebody not real came out of the closet not in the books themselves. I just can't think of any news less relevant...well, maybe perhaps the state of Britney's custody of her kids. But she's actually real, implants and lip-sync track aside. And frankly, does this 'news' not reek of 1990's era politics, where my generation of idiots fought for images rather than tangibles? We were all too happy to accept "Will & Grace" in lieu of actual legislation, no? As long as those United Colors appeared on television and in advertising, did anyone really care that the actual Benneton only catered to upscale white folk?
There are two things disturbing about the Dumbledore "story." In the first place, this is still, apparently "news" to some people. Much like a felt puppet-character known as the Tinkie-Winkie Teletubbie was anti-God for being apparently gay (here's a clue guys: a marionette with no genitals, carrying a purse, is neither gay nor straight but merely annoying,) Dumbledore not coming out in the book series is apparently anti-Christian as well! Why, with all of the shit hitting the fan these days, do we even still give a faggotty fuck about all this nonsense? Is it just me, or is all the attention focused on gay people who aren't even people or real a collosal waste of time and energy? Don't we have enough real gay people causing a commotion at the public restroom facility in Congress? (I hear the 'right time' is when Larry Craig is in 'da house!)
Is there not enough real news out there?
Actually, there is. And no amount of gay wizardry is going to make it go away. For example, right around the time that Dumbledore was sashaying out of the closet, the price of a barrel of oil hit $90 on Friday. For the record, that's higher in inflation-adjusted dollars than oil cost in the early 1980s. And yet, this benchmark wasn't screamed all of the media. Even the reports online have been focusing on the 'slide' back down to $85 a barrel ('cause that's so damn cheap.)
Now, it may not happen overnight due to the refinery cycle, but eventually, the cost of oil will be passed along to consumers in the form of even higher gas prices, which have been around $3 a gallon nationally. Uhhhhh...why isn't this the story on the news every night? Y'all can't go picket fictional characters for being homosexual if you can't get to the imaginary gay bar!
Let me be clear: $3 a gallon gas or more is huge, HUGE news in a country basically run on the car. Anybody else want to buy a Prius? Here's another piece of that story that got utterly buried in the news cycle...it's a great quote:
"The oil boom is over and will not return. All of us must get used to a different lifestyle."
This isn't Chomsky or Garafalo or even Al Gore throwing down the warning of doom. Nope...King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia uttered this prophecy, he who sits on the most oil know throughout the world. This is the same guy who stands to lose a loooooooooot of money as we, the people get used to a different lifestyle. This is like Cosby saying that we need to adjust to a world with less pudding or ugly yarn sweaters.
Yet, neither of these things are NEARLY as important as the fake gay guy not coming out at Hogwart's. What the fuck? Are we that backward and delusional as a society that we, the people are missing the bigger issues...the larger picture...to focus on trivial scandal?
Don't get me wrong: this isn't merely a 'right-wing' stupidity moment. I was watching Bill Maher this past weekend, and a few members of his audience revolted against Maher's refusal to accept or give credence to the "Bush and company are behind 9/11 conspiracy theory." (Guys...that's giving Shrub a loooooooot more credit than he deserves, no? Not to mention reducing Cheney's abilities down to 'thug,' and while he may be craven, he's pretty damn smart.) The amusement of watching security haul these folks out of the studio was quickly replaced by anger...they had taken time away from one of the few shows that actually focus on the real issues. One hour became 10 minutes less.
Another example of we, the people wasting time when we have precious little left to waste.
I write this knowing full well that a certain segment of the population will hunt me down and water-torture me into religious bliss. "Harry Potter IS real!" These are the same folks that look for "Vulcan" in the night sky, wondering when Kirk, Buffy and Yoda will rescue this sorry world from itself. "Where is our Chosen One?" But Harry aint' real, and Dumbledore ain't real...and any literary impact he may have made as a gay character didn't happen, because he stayed in the closet with his wand until the very end...
...and that's why this news kind of sucks. Had Dumbledore been outed earlier, I would have given this at least 1-star in the 'news' category. Generations of children and immature adults would have realized that a beloved friend of Potter was purple with passion. Perhaps there would have been a benefit to that...perhaps people who used the books as an escape from their conservative realities could have begun to question their beliefs, and the humanity of people who just happen to be gay...just like the 'Doro-sexual. This seems too little, too late...like Rowling is trying to impress GLAAD after the fact.
So it's not really news at all. Somebody not real came out of the closet not in the books themselves. I just can't think of any news less relevant...well, maybe perhaps the state of Britney's custody of her kids. But she's actually real, implants and lip-sync track aside. And frankly, does this 'news' not reek of 1990's era politics, where my generation of idiots fought for images rather than tangibles? We were all too happy to accept "Will & Grace" in lieu of actual legislation, no? As long as those United Colors appeared on television and in advertising, did anyone really care that the actual Benneton only catered to upscale white folk?
There are two things disturbing about the Dumbledore "story." In the first place, this is still, apparently "news" to some people. Much like a felt puppet-character known as the Tinkie-Winkie Teletubbie was anti-God for being apparently gay (here's a clue guys: a marionette with no genitals, carrying a purse, is neither gay nor straight but merely annoying,) Dumbledore not coming out in the book series is apparently anti-Christian as well! Why, with all of the shit hitting the fan these days, do we even still give a faggotty fuck about all this nonsense? Is it just me, or is all the attention focused on gay people who aren't even people or real a collosal waste of time and energy? Don't we have enough real gay people causing a commotion at the public restroom facility in Congress? (I hear the 'right time' is when Larry Craig is in 'da house!)
Is there not enough real news out there?
Actually, there is. And no amount of gay wizardry is going to make it go away. For example, right around the time that Dumbledore was sashaying out of the closet, the price of a barrel of oil hit $90 on Friday. For the record, that's higher in inflation-adjusted dollars than oil cost in the early 1980s. And yet, this benchmark wasn't screamed all of the media. Even the reports online have been focusing on the 'slide' back down to $85 a barrel ('cause that's so damn cheap.)
Now, it may not happen overnight due to the refinery cycle, but eventually, the cost of oil will be passed along to consumers in the form of even higher gas prices, which have been around $3 a gallon nationally. Uhhhhh...why isn't this the story on the news every night? Y'all can't go picket fictional characters for being homosexual if you can't get to the imaginary gay bar!
Let me be clear: $3 a gallon gas or more is huge, HUGE news in a country basically run on the car. Anybody else want to buy a Prius? Here's another piece of that story that got utterly buried in the news cycle...it's a great quote:
"The oil boom is over and will not return. All of us must get used to a different lifestyle."
This isn't Chomsky or Garafalo or even Al Gore throwing down the warning of doom. Nope...King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia uttered this prophecy, he who sits on the most oil know throughout the world. This is the same guy who stands to lose a loooooooooot of money as we, the people get used to a different lifestyle. This is like Cosby saying that we need to adjust to a world with less pudding or ugly yarn sweaters.
Yet, neither of these things are NEARLY as important as the fake gay guy not coming out at Hogwart's. What the fuck? Are we that backward and delusional as a society that we, the people are missing the bigger issues...the larger picture...to focus on trivial scandal?
Don't get me wrong: this isn't merely a 'right-wing' stupidity moment. I was watching Bill Maher this past weekend, and a few members of his audience revolted against Maher's refusal to accept or give credence to the "Bush and company are behind 9/11 conspiracy theory." (Guys...that's giving Shrub a loooooooot more credit than he deserves, no? Not to mention reducing Cheney's abilities down to 'thug,' and while he may be craven, he's pretty damn smart.) The amusement of watching security haul these folks out of the studio was quickly replaced by anger...they had taken time away from one of the few shows that actually focus on the real issues. One hour became 10 minutes less.
Another example of we, the people wasting time when we have precious little left to waste.
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